18 years old
From: Gold Coast, Australia and San Jose, Costa Rica
Living: Northampton, Massachusetts

Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)

Dad:  Why the hell did you put a comma there?
Dad:  Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
Dad:  Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
Dad:  Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
Dad:  Hey are you awak? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
Dad:  Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
Dad:  I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
Dad:  Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
Dad:  Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
Dad:  Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
Dad:  It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
Dad:  Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
Dad:  *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
Dad:  My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
Dad:  Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
Dad:  Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
Dad:  I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
Dad:  Fuck the government.
Dad:  Fuck the school board.
Dad:  Close the door.
Dad:  Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
Dad:  I love puns.
Dad:  People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
Dad:  Please shut up.
Dad:  Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
Dad:  I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
Dad:  I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
Dad:  You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
Dad:  Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
Dad:  I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
Dad:  If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
Dad:  They act like I care what they think.
Dad:  I hate homework.
Dad:  I have decided to become a politician.
Dad:  What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.















When my mom’s out in public, she sends me pictures of lesbians she sees.

Jesus I envy that relationship. 

this is like the time when my mum took me bra shopping and the girl measuring me up was a lesbian and my mum said to me “i’ll go take a walk around the shop so you can talk to this nice young girl” and gave me a look as if to say “chat her up”. 

My mum tries to push me towards cute possibly gay girls and then disappears. She did it in Primark once and I found her hiding behind a pile of knickers, watching me.

i love all of your moms

When I was 17 I was convinced I was in love with the check out girl at the grocery store 5 minutes away from our house, so my dad went to get milk and somehow found an appropriate point in the conversation while buying a half gallon of milk to give her my number. Three days later she called me and asked if I wanted to come over “to watch a movie” and long story short my dad got me laid thanks dad.

That last story is worth reblogging


ughhhhhhhhhhhh can’t scroll past without watching it for 3 minutes straight and reblogging it again